I believe in bettering myself. I believe in having [impossibly] high standards. I believe in valuing myself and becoming the best. Why? So that the guy who seems out of my league will someday be on the same playing field as me (:
He wants a girl of high standards; I want a guy of high standards. He’s a guy of high standards; I’m a girl of high standards.
You + me = match made perfect <3

So don’t be afraid to get to know me. My story’s beautiful. 

I want to find you someday. I'm the girl you keep- the wifey & the boo. I'm not ready for that just yet. But when I find the right guy to change my mind and open my eyes: it's gonna be magical (:

My value is worth more.
Don’t pride yourself in disdaining me. We say we don’t let other people affect how we feel; we don’t let their opinions affect our own vision of ourselves. We try so hard to believe what we say, but sometimes they get the upper hand. There’s a crack, a flaw in the mirror- that minuscule millimeter allows their ideas to fly in and they warp you. Taunt you.

My value is worth more.

I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I write millions of lines on that metaphorical chalkboard. I pound the line into my mind thousands of times. I repeat and whisper the phrase to myself nightly. And now is the test- do I truly believe?

“The devil’s water it ain’t so sweet…you don’t have to drink right now. But you can dip your feet for a little while….”

Fight the spiraling. Do you think you have it easier? We’re fighting, fighting for nothing? Something? Anything? I don’t want to be in this chess game; I don’t want to be in this war. I don’t want to be the fighting side, the opposing side. Either way, we both die. I don’t want to make an effort to have to prove myself to anybody- not you, not them. 

If you care or don’t care- you wouldn’t make an effort to say such things. If I care or don’t care, I need to prove myself to me.

Where’s that girl of yonder years? Her youth’s fading; that innocence. That prided, coveted innocence. Temptation’s so sweet. So deliciously sweet. So wantonly sweet. And we come to the precipice- oh so much metaphor, such vivid imagery. Fall, fall, fall or stand tall? We all know the right thing. But what feels good? 
I’ll tie a rope about my waist and dip my feet into the river below the cliff’s face. In my heart I can keep true to myself while my body lies waste. While my body let’s temptation’s flames lick at it. I’ll be fine, right?

Confidence.

Just a repost from Facebook (: written by yours truly over the summer. I suppose it sums up all I've encountered thus far.

She's spittin' rhymes from her head, but the words are all spread- too far out, the right words just refuse to leave her mouth. Tryna free style it out, the frustration's making her wanna shout.

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts”
Aiight, confidence, confidence build those walls strong
Seal the foundation- real smiles- just play along
Whether you believe in it and achieve it
or deceiving yourself and cheating
you gotta stick to that air of confidence- just keep on breathing

You see it took some time to get here
Hell, try nearly four years- practically my whole high school career
Had few rises, many falls, but plenty of close calls
Crashing, tragic, felt like trash and-
Despite the falls, eventually got up, brushed off, stood tall.

“Just gonna stand there and watch me cry…”
Then something cracks, you’re no longer holding back-
no longer getting stepped on, spit on, talked on, walked on despite all the talk that’s bad.
You hold your ground, grit your teeth, don’t make a sound-
you learn to define yourself, not based on the thoughts of anybody else.
I define me, not him, not she-
not them, they, it- my definition of my worth is the only one that fits.
I don’t take any of their shit, despite how bad they bitch-
No longer held down, in the end, I wear my own crown of confidence.

Becoming high-esteemed based on the personal level of self-esteem
No longer tearing at the seams, these dreams are becoming reality.
Sure, still sealing the cracks- trying not to falter, hinder, or return back
to that level of nothing that’s back in the past.
Sometimes a definitive blow shakes the stands,
nearly fall to my hands, face in the sand-
-Wait a minute, bear with me for the moment while I fix this-
gotta get up, shake off, shape up, stand up.

And hold onto that crown of confidence,
I earn it myself; got nothing from them.
Be proud of who I am, no longer just a cipher in the sand.
No longer comparing myself to others:
friends, sisters, brothers-
There’s no other like me, just let me be-
Gotta stay free from all of this unneeded negativity.
“Don’t try to compare yourself or measure up to others.
Rather develop your true self; make yourself better.”

Hah, reading over old Xanga posts. Everything that I said I wanted to- to break from my shell, do all these crazy things. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE ACTUALLY DONE THEM.

And boy, do they have their regrets. But I suppose, I would've never learned had I never experienced.

My heart aches with what has come to pass in the years that I haven't been here. Oh, how I wish that I had kept up to date- there is so much to tell, so much to vent, so much to write.

My greatest fear still continues to be loneliness and I believe I've come to brush past such bouts of loneliness. But despite the gray, lonesome tidbits, there are the shining pieces that cause me to love life, to believe in it.

Remember the heartache I alluded to in the last entry? That's nothing more than a dull memory. I can't wait until this new recent heartache will soon pass (it's slowly making it's way, despite ending a little less than a month ago). I suppose I've made my steady peace with the world- oh senior retreat. I've come to forgive and in turn ask for forgiveness.

I forgave the boy who destroyed my self-confidence and made me question my self-worth; the boy who I let define my self-worth because I had been the object of his attention. I forgave the craziness of another boy, who I was blindly infatuated with, but not in love with. And slowly, I'm trying to forgive and not hate this past boy. This boy who I (foolishly) opened my heart to, believed in his words, and let myself succumb emotionally- the worst heartache of all. I have been crushed and lied to- and despite so many blatant reasons to hate, so many reasons that can be supported, I find myself unable. I don't love him (there had been a time that I did, and maybe there may have been a time when he loved me, too). I've tried so many things- trying to stay friends, but that's proved difficult (you were right: it is too awkward. But I still stand my original stance, that only you can make awkward situations for yourself).

I type with shaky fingers. I'm not depressed, I'm no longer questioning of my self-worth. I've already made my peace with the past-past (I just wish that I could make my peace with the recent past). I believe that I'm worth more than the credit I used to give myself. I have every worth and my worthiness is not defined by the boy linked on my arm, or the latest relationship status I'm in- and there's value in realizing this important tidbit.

I have worth and value and I love myself. Now all I need to do are set priorities and not let the past shake me, but shape me in ways that are formidable for my well-being.